Freak Safari Forum

I quit!

Ken — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 15:54:05 GMT

Quote:

"I am about to write something I never imagined I'd ever write.

"After 25 years, I have decided to leave Dream Theater... the band I founded, led and truly loved for a quarter of a century.

"To many people this will come as a complete shock, and will also likely be misunderstood by some, but please believe me that it is not a hasty decision...it is something I have struggled with for the last year or so....

"After having had such amazing experiences playing with Hail!, Transatlantic and Avenged Sevenfold this past year, I have sadly come to the conclusion that I have recently had more fun and better personal relations with these other projects than I have for a while now in Dream Theater.

"Please don't misinterpret me, I love the guys dearly and have a long history, friendship and bond that runs incredibly deep with them... it's just that I think we are in serious need of a little break.

"Dream Theater was always my baby...and I nurtured that baby every single day and waking moment of my life since 1985... 24/7, 365... never taking time off from Dream Theater's never-ending responsibilities (even when the band was 'off' between cycles)... working overtime and way beyond the call of duty that most sane people ever would do for a band.

"But I've come to the conclusion that the Dream Theater machine was starting to burn me out...and I really needed a break from the band in order to save my relationship with the other members and keep my Dream Theater spirit hungry and inspired.

"We have been on an endless write/record/tour cycle for almost 20 years now (of which I have overseen EVERY aspect without a break) and while a few months apart from each other here and there over the years has been much needed and helpful, I honestly hoped the band could simply agree with me to taking a bit of a 'hiatus' to recharge our batteries and 'save me from ourselves'...

"Sadly, in discussing this with the guys, they determined they do not share my feelings and have decided to continue without me rather than take a breather... I even offered to do some occasional work throughout 2011 against my initial wishes, but it was not to be...

"While it truly hurts for me to even think of a Dream Theater without Mike Portnoy (hell, my father named the band!!), I do not want to stand in their way...so I have decided to sacrifice myself and simply leave the band so as to not hold them back against their wishes.

"Strangely enough, I just read an interview that I recently did that asked me about the future of Dream Theater and I talked about 'always following your heart and being true to yourself'... Sadly, I must say that at this particular moment, my heart is not with Dream Theater...and I would simply be 'going through the motions,' and would honestly NOT be true to myself if I stayed for the sake of obligation without taking the break I felt I needed.

"I wish the guys the best and hope the music and legacy we created together is enjoyed by fans for decades to come... I am proud of every album we made, every song we wrote and every show we played....

"I'm sorry to all the disappointed Dream Theater fans around the world... I really tried to salvage the situation and make it work... I honestly just wanted a break (not a split)... but happiness cannot be forced, it needs to come from within.

"You Dream Theater fans are the greatest fans in the world and as you all know, I have always busted my ass for you guys and I hope that you will stay with me on my future musical journey, wherever it may lead me.... (and as you all know my work ethic, there will surely be no shortage of future Mike Portnoy projects!)"

Have you ever quit something?

Alternatively, has something ever happened that made you a sad nerd?

The Doctor Is In. Wedged In. (Or, Ho Ho Ho)

Frank — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 16:26:10 GMT

Dr. Jacquelyn Kotarac. By available accounts, a fine internist, a compassionate woman, and an...interesting...girlfriend. Also, inept with blunt objects and Santa Claus impersonations.

Seems Dr. Jackie and her boyfriend had an "on-again, off-again" thing going on, and it pissed her off. Not one to sit around idly, she decided to do something about it. She started by trying to break into his house with a shovel while he ran away through another exit. Apparently, the intricacies of busting out a window with a large blunt object while the only occupant of the house ran away proved too much for the good doctor, so she progressed to the next obvious choice. She would, of course, slide down the chimney.

Better with a ladder than a shovel, she climbed up on the roof, popped off the chimney cap, and slid down the flue. Obviously, she would have been disappointed to discover her paramour had already escaped. Had she succeeded in big bad wolfing her way into the house. But she didn't. As anyone who heard Phoebe Cates' scarring story in the original Gremlins knows, sliding down the chimney is never going to work out well in real life.

It worked out as terribly as possible for Dr. Jackie, especially because her boyfriend seems to have decided to stay away after running from her shovel-wielding fury. The day after the incident, her office staff reported her missing when she failed to appear for work. Three days after the incident, a house-sitter noticed a stench and fluids coming from the fireplace, leading to the discovery of the good doctor's body wedged two feet above the interior opening.

Damn. I do NOT want to die under any circumstances where the discovery of my body depends on someone noticing a stench and dripping fluids.

Our Freak of the Day is the house-sitter. Come on, dude asks you to watch his house, and you're so bad at it you don't even notice the dead ex-girlfriend stuffed in the chimney for three days? Piss-poor job, lady.

"...ladies LOVE wood!"

Konstantine — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 12:56:48 GMT

When I was a kid, my parents used to rent my brother and I these live action, kind of dark fairy tale movies (Shelly Duvall's Faery Tale Theater). Maybe 10 years or so ago, my dad told my brother and I that the only reason they got them was because they were full of pervy jokes for the parents.
I re-watched one of them this weekend and was slightly disappointed that they weren't complete filth, but there were quite a few dirty jokes thrown in.

What's the best dirty reference hidden in a kid's show/movie that you know of?

My favorite has to be from either Rocko's Modern Life, or The Animaniacs. ...machines jerking off cows and fingering pop stars on kid's tv? Sure, why not.

Pizza...Food for Thought?

Bozz — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 04:14:17 GMT

I was having a small argument with a friend of mine over what is the best and only way to eat pizza. I said it needed to be NY style hand tossed with pepperoni and onion. He said the only way to have it is thin crust with Italian sausage and peppers.

Focus: How do you have your pizza?

Ouch.

Ken — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 15:05:50 GMT

While the filmmakers and financiers of Avatar don't have to worry about making their money back, there are plenty of other reasons why it sucks to be them right now.

With 'Avatar' struggling, is the bloom off the rerelease rose?

Most films still don't get a wide rerelease, but those that do tend to fare well. "The Godfather," the first two "Toy Story" films and "Apocalypse Now" were all rereleased at least a decade after they first came out, all of them to strong effect.

...

That trend changed this weekend, when a rerelease of "Avatar" passed quietly for filmgoers. The Fox movie grossed only about $4 million despite playing on more than 800 screens, as my colleague Ben Fritz notes.

Are you shitting me? 800 screens, $4 million? Cue the scene from Ong-Bak when the guy is all big and menacing, then gets knocked down with a single kick to the face. Well, cue any of the scenes that fit that description.

But it may be that today's classics just don't fade into history in the same way. We've lived them, in a sense, too deeply (and exhaustedly) the first time around.

Despite the struggles of "Avatar," we'll probably see a few more rereleases of Hollywood's biggest hits. They're comparatively low-risk for studios, who see them not only as a theatrical play but a way to generate interest in the DVD. And filmmakers envious of new technology will push for them ? George Lucas has made noise about a "Star Wars" release, for instance. Without significant additions, though, it's hard to see why a rerelease is worth the screens or the bother. LA Times

Or it could be that there's a difference between a classic and a momentary pop culture phenomenon. People can trot out the usual criticisms against Lucas, but there's no denying that Star wars has the chops to thrill audiences every time it returns to theaters. And Avatar is no Star Wars.

P.S.

Names

Sporting16w — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 11:51:15 GMT

My real life name is Keith and I was named after Keith Richards. Yes, my mother is worthless.

My daughter's name is Eliza and we picked it because we something a little old fashioned but not crazily so.

FOCUS: Had did you end up with your name. How did you pick your kid's name?

Ridiculous Debate: Let's Get Something To Eat

Sporting16w — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 11:49:33 GMT

You are going to be forced to spend all day at the same eating establishment. You will be there from noon until midnight everyday. Don't worry the food and drinks are free and you will not have to work. All you need to do is hang out.

The question is where do you hang out. You can pick any fictional place that serves food and/or drinks.

Please list why you picked that place and eschewed others..this will make it easier to make fun of you.

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God doesn't exist. Stop being stupid, you morons.

IamRob — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 16:26:30 GMT

There are three certainties in life. One: An M. Night Shyamalan movie is going to suck regardless of money, time, and energy spent producing it.

Two: White people will never be able to use the 'N' word without getting into epic amounts of trouble.

Three: People are alarmingly stupid.

Stephen Hawking, the theoretical physicist and possibly one of the most intelligent people of this century, is writing another book. It proves to be controversial as it suggests the universe doesn't need God to exist, and this seems to rub people the wrong way.

I've tried to stay out of religion for my updates, but there comes a time when people's ineptitude at life starts to rub me the wrong way. Let's examine what Hawking says about our universe:

"Because there is a law such as gravity, the universe can and will create itself from nothing. Spontaneous creation is the reason there is something rather than nothing, why the universe exists, why we exist,"

This is coming from an Oxford graduate and professor who is arguably one of the most prestigious scientists in academia. In other words: if you wanted to learn about physics and the universe, he'd be one of the best guys to go to.

So naturally you'd think that if he were to share information with you, you'd listen to it. Well that's not exactly what's happening. I've endured enough with these morons, and I'm just going to say this:

You're all fucking idiots. If you believe in God, you're an idiot. You're unable, or just don't want to think critically, and that makes you dumb. You're irrational people. You. Are. Dumb. Fuck this entire "learn to respect opinions." There is no opinion anymore. If you believe in any of these Gods, you're dumb.

So from now on, when I write to an audience where these idiots could possibly read it, I will need to dumb down all arguments to accommodate idiocy.

I love this comment because of how he assumes that him being created by God is a good thing. If I were this retarded and had any awareness of it, I'd be mortified if a higher power thought it in good taste to create me. Do you see any religious parents of down syndrome kids thanking God for their perfect child? No, because they're busy praying for strength from God to get through that huge inconvenience. Or they're thanking God for other dumb things,like bake sales and charity raffles.

Yes, Doni, there is proof of Jesus' life and all of his wonderful "miricles." Hawking never said Jesus didn't exist. In fact, he hasn't said anything about Jesus in the entire article, that's you scrambling to make an argument which ultimately comes down to, "FAITH." What does that mean anyway? How does blindly believing in something an argument in proving something? That doesn't make sense. And it's "pray," you moron. Prey is what I wish rabid lions would do to you and your cesspool of a family.

Compelling argument. Consider me swayed.

"HEY STEEEVEN HAWKINS! IF YOUR SMART, HOW CUM YOU DON'T FIX YOUR FACE AND TEETH?!1"

God cures people? I guess he was just on vacation for the bubonic plague and spanish flu epidemic of 1918, right? Idiot. This poster also assumes that Stephen Hawking says he wants to replace God. That is the argument equivalent of getting raped by an emu.

No, you never really liked science because it required you to use the English language and numbers at a third grade level and that was too difficult because your father drank due to his lofty job as "that guy who turns the Slow/Stop signs for cars during road construction projects" being too stressful, and he wasn't around much which drove you to overeating and now as a 30 something woman, you're a little bit chunky and try to regain self-esteem by having sex with as many guys as who will give your wide ass the time of day.

The thing about believing in God, is that no matter how irrational it is, or how ridiculous you look, you're still unwilling to budge just an inch. "Evolution doesn't exist, it's just a theory!" Except that you can see evidence of it right now, both on the micro level and macro level. Why do you think we keep getting swine flu outbreaks? Stop being an idiot for two seconds and think critically, you dumb cows!

"GOD CREATED THE WORLD FOR US!!!!" No, it's pretty obvious we evolved from other primates. It also is pretty obvious now that we're not the first creatures on this planet. Dinosaurs ring a bell?

"GOD CREATED WORLD THEN AND PUT THE ANIMALS AND DINOSAURS ON THE PLANET FOR US!" Nah, it's pretty obvious it's all a statistical probability. Evolution, specifically with allopatric speciation, can be seen by looking at the similarities of Bonobos and Chimpanzees.

"GOD CREATED THE UNIVERSE THEN AND ALL THE SCIENCE AND PHYSICS BEHIND IT!" Nah, it seems more like we are fairly fortunate. Space-time is incredibly vast, and the statistics (Drake's Equation) pretty much show that, while not completely accurately, that us being able to sustain life is not a unique event while considering the massive scope of the universe.

You can keep making the arguments, the point is that God is infinitely retroactive to these cognitive dissonant clowns, and you can't stop something that's infinitely retroactive. Not by throwing logic at these idiots, anyway. Just from our limited understanding of how and why the universe works the way it does, it should be pretty obvious that every religion is wrong. So so so so violently wrong.

The point I've realized now is that there is nothing that can be said to help these idiots understand anything. It's like an 8 year old who believes in Santa, and who saw their father dress up like Santa and put packages under the tree. If you told an 8 year old after that experience that Santa didn't exist, the kid wouldn't believe you. Same thing here except the kid has an excuse or at least some physical proof in order to clog his senses, religious morons have a piece of land that only religious morons care about, and a book about some charlatan who had more holes in his body than a Michael Bay story plot.

The most depressing letdown.

Ken — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 17:47:44 GMT

This situation comes from a 1991 issue of Batman. The story was that Batman was tracking a serial killer in Rio de Janiero who called herself the Queen of Hearts. Her gimmick was that she'd drill out her victim's sternum, steal the heart, put it in a tiny baby crib, and add it to her enormous collection. It was very wholesome childhood reading. Nestled among the pages were ads for the usual boyhood bric-a-brac: X-ray specs, get an Atlas body in seven days, and so on.

One of the ads was for a contest that DC Comics was holding, called "Be Batman's boss for a day!" The prize was a trip to DC's headquarters. The illustration was of a kid leaning back in his chair with his feet on the editorial desk, in front of which stood none other than Batman himself--saying "You got it, sir!" or something to that effect.

Needless to say, the title and illustration were a little misleading. Not being a very credulous kid, I had no interest in the contest, but what of the kids who were that credulous? Winning the contest would divest them of a number of understandable childhood misconceptions. For example:

That Batman exists.
That it is possible to actually be Batman's boss for a day.
That the office of a major comics publisher is a fun place to be, instead of just a slightly less boring version of a regular office.
That being "Batman's boss for a day!" involves any authority whatsoever.

I can only imagine that winning the "Be Batman's boss for a day!" was a Pyrrhic victory for some unlucky child of the early '90s.

Let's talk about one of the greatest subjects of all time: children being disappointed.

You Ruined My Life By Changing Your Free Service!

Frank — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 16:23:01 GMT

Digg.com - we've all seen it, right? Near as I can tell, it appears to be a place for a select few blogs to get every single fart they post on the internet zipped to the "front page" for all the world (or at least all of the "diggers") to see. It is also a totally free service to all of those "diggers," who appear to have created some kind of strange internet society devoted to "digging" and "burying" and "fellating" each other.

Well, digg changed its totally free service recently, and the diggers aren't happy . As near as I can tell, this change seems to be a move to try to actually earn some money by providing this (I can't reiterate enough) free service to the reprobates of the internet, but said reprobates are pissed off. Because the digg owners didn't respect the arbitrary rules created by this strange society and took away the enormous "power" some of the diggers had developed in their imaginary link-sharing world.

Our Freak of the Day is society. Seriously, people, we've come to a point where we get pissed off about losing meaningless "power" in an imaginary realm in our computers that we didn't even pay to access. We're obviously doing something wrong.

To Do List

Konstantine — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 14:12:15 GMT

Every weekend I tell myself I'll finally start sorting through the overwhelming amount of boxes and shit that has built up in my walk-in closet.
Every weekend I end up doing anything else, just to avoid it. I'll unnecessarily clean and rearrange anything else in my sight. I'll even dust, which I hate. Anything to avoid having to start clearing out that closet.

What's on your To Do List that you keep putting off?

Bad Habits

Bozz — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 04:04:31 GMT

I have a bad habit when I'm sitting of shaking my leg up and down. The knee goes up and down so fast I make things shake. I assume it's the ADD and ADHD in me that I have to be constantly moving. My friend I go to the movies with a lot is always yelling at me to stop vibrating his seat. I also pace when I talk on the phone because I can't sit still.

FOCUS: What are your bad habits and how do they effect the people around you?

Caption Contest 9/1/10

Bozz — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 03:59:37 GMT

KevinC and Strawberry hire a call girl

kevinc — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 18:24:14 GMT

The title is sort of self explanatory. Last Saturday night, Strawberry and I were in Vancouver BC, where prostitution is quasi-legal (I'll explain quasi later) and we decided to hire a high-end call girl from an escort service. This thread is for my novel-length tell-all. No, sporting, no pictures. Actually, you can all see her pictures for yourselves at Carman Fox's Vancouver website, look for Dylan.